Have you ever seen a movie that was so intense that it's left images ingrained in your mind for the better part of a week/month/year/century? Movies like, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, THE GREEN MILE, or even OF MICE AND MEN. Just something that either disturbes you or moves you to the point where all you can think about is that one particular scene in that one particular movie? And it then seems as if all your life you've been living in a world that is ultimately scarier than you once thought?
Well what happens if that movie ingrains such thoughts in your head, but at the same time is so fucking terrible and almost unwatchable to the point of naueseation?
I just saw for the time ever the French film IRREVERSIBLE starring Monica Bellucci. This movie is quite literally a guided tour through the absolute worst this planet has to offer. It starts with two men, one naked, one half-assed cross dressed, sitting on a bed three sizes to small talking about how all the nude man can think about is how he had sex with daughter. We then cut to a night club where a man in being wheeled out on a stretcher to an amublance and all sorts of horrible gay remarks are being thrown out at him. Remarks such as, "They don't have rubbers in prison fag, you're going to get the AIDS." Brilliant dialouge as you can see. Another person is being wheeled out in a bag. Dead as a fucking doornail. We then cut into the night club and see a man named Marcus (Vincent Cassel) entering a gay club, frantically looking for a man named La Tenia. It's at this point that I realize that we will be watching this movie backwards. Not quite in the same style as MOMENTO, but more of a scene-by-scene reversibility.
Marcus desperatley searches from room to room looking for this man called La Tenia (Tapeworm). Why? We don't know yet. But his caged animalistic behavior can only lead me to summize that he's out for revenge. His friend Pierre (Albert Dupontel) tries in vain to calm him down, but Marcus has clearly made up his mind. The name of the nightclub is called The Rectum, and boy does it live up to it's name. It literally is the seperating asshole of society. It's a shit-hole unlike any I've ever seen or known. It also does nothing but fuel the fire of my intense burning hate for nightclubs. The most debaucherous of acts are commited in front of Marcus as he looks for his prey. Marcus finally finds someone who may where La Tenia is, and of course it has to be the guy on a swing with his ass pointed to the heavens, and his fingers knuckle-depth in his dirt button. He will tell Marcus where La Tenia is, but only if Marcus will fist him first.
Vengence has to be on Marcus' mind. Nothing else but that would have kept me from running screaming out of that club. Nothing but the thought of righteous street justice would allow me to even enter this nightmare.
Marcus does fist the gentleman. But more in the sense that he fists him in the face, and face with a couple of quick jabs. And a bottle across the head doesn't hurt either. Marcus is finally lead to La Tenia and immediately picks a fight. Which he quickly loses in one arm snapping debate. It looks as though in his haste to find La Tenia he didn't take into account that he might not be the better fighter. Just as La Tenia is about to rape Marcus, Pierre shows up. And smashes the living fuck out of La Tenia with the blunt end of the biggest fire extinguisher I've ever seen. But Pierre doesn't stop there. What happens over the course of the next three minutes is the most brutal of face beatings I think I've ever seen captured on film. For what seems like eons the camera, unflinchingly, captures the savagest brutality of a man having the life crushed from him. His face quickly goes from shocked, to beaten, to ugly, to unregonizable, to husk of meat. The sound work combined with the refusal of the camera to cut away makes for one very fucking disturbing scene. All the while this is happening, a group of men have formed a circle around the goings on to watch. One decides to masturbate to it.
God I really hate nightclubs.
The scenes previous deal with Marcus and Pierre trying to find where on earth La Tenia could be. They ask everyone from a poor terrorized taxi driver, to a transvestite prostitute named Guillermo, and even accept assistance from the mob. Through these conversations we find out that La Tenia has raped Alex. Marcus is so furious at this, and so blood thirsty, that all he can think about is finding La Tenia, and the nightclub where he may be at right now.
The next scene previous shows us that we're at a party, and Alex is Monica Bellucci. Bellucci is wearing a dress that leaves, I was going to say very little but fuck it, it leaves nothing to the imagination. She honestly should have just opted to go to the party nude. For some reason she decides right at that moment that an errand must be run. And since she cannot get a taxi she opts to take the subway. While in the subway we see that Guillermo is being roughed up by a pimp. One look at the pimp's face takes you zooming back to the nightclub. Where this man was standing next to the man Marcus identified as La Tenia. If you're any sort of smart you quickly surmise that this man is the actual La Tenia and that Marcus had killed someone "allegedly" innocent. La Tenia now having seen Belluci turns his attention to her, letting Guillermo go. What follows is a scene far more brutal than the death earlier in the movie. La Tenia, in a nine minute, one shot scene, anally rapes Alex. And after nine minutes of the most horrible thing I've ever seen or will ever see in a movie he beats the living hell out of her to the point where she ends up in a coma.
The rest of the movie shows us the life that Marcus and Alex have before their world is shattered into a million pieces. They are happily in love, she just discovered she is pregnant, and the world is a glow. It's almost just as disturbing as the actual rape, to sit an think for the next hour and a half that this happy couple will have everything taken away from them.
As far as the actual brutalness of the film goes, it terrifying. For the hour and a half sitting there knowing this couple will have their happiness obliterated, it's torture. But that's as far as the compliments I have go. This could have been an amazing bit of film-making. The story I'm sad to say is cliche. The dialouge is laughable at best. And I'm not sure why they decided to go this way, but the camera work looks like it was done by strapping a camera to a chimp and letting him roam the city. The only time it comes into complete focus is when something terrible is about to happen. Otherwise, it spins around with no certain destination in mind, or desire to leave the audience orientated. If nothing else, by puting the most brutal scenes up front instead of ending with them, that was a stroke of ingenuity. Otherwise, this really is a mess of a film. But the images it conjures will have you thinking about long after it has ended. The world this movie inhabits is what I thnk hell must be like.
All I'm certain of, is after having watched this and TAKEN I'm never setting foot in France. Fuck France.
Welcome to Truthbringer Blog. TROG. Get it?
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
BEST AND WORST 5 OF THE SUMMER
TRUTHBRINGER'S LIST
Ahh summer, how you entertain and devestate me so. You really showed me a good time my chummier season and yet thusly left me traveling the walk of shame down many a movie theater aisles. My head hung low in shame. I celebrate you now oh nickelodeon gods, because there are so few awards granted to the artists who bring movies together I will now list for you selections.
THE TOP 5 BEST!!
#5: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
Say what you will about the lack of character authenticity, or even actual history or abilities. It's all askew and honestly I couldn't give less of a shit. This movie kicked my ass with it's awsomeness. Sure there were parts where Logan's claws looked like they were straight outta toon town, but who cares. It has Wolverine in it! And he's killing people. Like he outta been doing way back in 99'. Throw in Lieve Schreiber as Sabertooth, and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and you have one orgasmic Truthbringer to deal with and clean up after.
#4: THE HANGOVER
Over 200,000,000. That's how much money this movie has made. Over 200,000,000. Proving once and for all that clever writing, a stellar cast, and intruig is far more compelling than flash and CGI. This movie gave us many catch phrases to throw around the entire summer, and provided me with the most surprising laughs I've had all year. Never saw this movie coming. It was like a Mike Tyson sucker punch. Which I doubt I'd be able to take as well as Allen.
#3: THE HURT LOCKER
This is the movie they should show to high school kids after those army recruiment people have packed up their pamphlets and left the auditorium. Between the soul draining heat, and the possibility of being held down by a sniper with .50 cal pointed at your spine, this gives them the REAL look into what might be waiting for them. Not a mountain with a sword in the crystal at the top. Brillianty directed and unflinching in the face of danger, I've never said "Holy shit that's a bad idea" so many times during a movie before. And then sat squirming as the characters went through with said bad idea anyway. Brilliant.
#2: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
I really dug the hell outta this movie. And I was fucking worried there for a minute too. Because visions of that horrible, menstrating mess called DEATHPROOF was still fresh in my mind when I picked up my tickets to this. It wasn't the action flick I was expecting ~ala~ KILL BILL. But more of a personal story given archs through several different people ~ala~ PULP FICTION. Brad Pitt is amazing, and Christoph Waltz is magnetic. See this movie if you haven't yet.
#1: DISTRICT 9
I didn't even know this movie was coming out this summer until about late June. I knew it was going to be something of a spectacle to see, but holy shit was I wrong about great it was going to be. It had me bolted to me seat with what was going on. Awed at the scope of the story, fearful for what would happen to our protaganist and the aliens he's suddenly found himself thrust into the company of. Angry at the greed of the world around him, from the crippled South African Crime lord, to the shadiness of the corporate entity he had worked for. This is what we as a world would do if this were to ever happen. And that is why we should fear the wrath of other planets destroying our home world before worrying about some arbitrary number the Aztecs may or may not have written down. *TANGENT* Why are we worrying about the Aztec calander? Weren't these the people who chopped out hearts in the name of the sun? *END TANGENT* District 9 is fucking amazing. The drama, the story and the action is absolutely incredible and I cannot wait to own this and watch it until my eyes bleed.
THE TOP 5 WORST!!
#5: DANCE FLICK
For the first time in their career the Wayans Bros. have managed to move themselves to a respectable location in the 5 Worst category. This new position should be one of great renown and delight for them because they did not make the absolute worst movie of the summer. In fact, I dare say that there were one or two instances where a chuckle and a grimace were coaxed outta me. I believe a slow clap is in order.
#4: TAKING WOODSTOCK
Ang Lee loves him some gay story telling. Demetri Martin as a gay kid who inadvertently unleashes the hell called Woodstock on his unassuming town turned out to be far worse than I was expecting. I was expecting a light-hearted and charming romp through this one anonymous kid's life as he sky rockets to infamy for transforming his home town into the hippie mecca of the universe. Throw in his boarish and unsympatheically pathetic family and you have a movie that doesn't understand what it's supposed to be about. Is it about Woodstock? This kid's relationship with his family? Or him struggling with closet homosexuality? I'm confused and now I don't give a shit. Lieve Schreiber returns as the only saving grace, a transvestite undercover security detail. But he's only in it for five minutes tops. The rest of the time, I hated it.
#3: FUNNY PEOPLE
Watching this movie is the equivalent of being told that you're going to die from the same afflection as Adam Sandler's character. And you will die a little inside just as this movie ends. How and why this was made is a mystery. The script is not funny, the characters are just terrible fucking people, and more than that a movie called FUNNY PEOPLE was not even a little funny. Go fuck yourself movie.
#2: TERMINATOR: SALVATION
WTF Christian Bale? You were box office god last summer when you rocked our balls as Batman again. And then you turn around and thank us for our money with this pile of shit? I'm beginning to think the edgey artist we all fell in love with is now the biggest sell out of our generation. I'd like to say you phoned it in during the shooting of this movie, but that'd be giving your performance too much credit. You texted this mutherfucker in. I'm sure Edward Furlong is sitting in his beaten up Dodge Arrow in an abandoned hospital parking lot somewhere, saying "Thanks for doing me a solid Bale."
#1: PUBLIC ENEMIES
Oh my god, this movie was terrible. How can I best describe to you how awful it was? I would have to make a movie with a decent Hollywood sized budget and seven out of the nine best writers in the world to create a two hour opus explaining the terribleness of this movie. It's so bad that it transcends words and could only be described through movie picture. Christian Bale, clearly not hearing what I said previously about T4 and Johnny Depp are as lifeless as rubber fuck dolls. Channing Tatum who starred as Duke in G.I. JOE this year was supposed to be in the movie longer, but took the easy way out by having Bale's character shoot him in the spine. Michael Mann continues to confound us all by getting directing work despite a number of people having watched MIAMI VICE. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You will not get me again Mann. I garuntee it.
THE BOZ'S LIST
Ah, the summer is over and another summer movie season draws to a close. It was an OK summer. Only one movie really blew me away and no movie pissed me off as much as The Crappening did last summer. Overall I’d give it a B-.
THE BEST:
5. Star Trek: A great summer action film. I had no hope for this movie. A new actor as the star, a re-make of a TV show I never really liked and Leonard Nimoy still in the mix…I thought this film was doomed. Boy was I wrong. The plot was not the strongest ever (as with all ST films) but the action and fun characters more than made up for yet another time travel Star Trek film.
4. Up: Pixar strikes again but this time with a more adult story. I have not cried as much in a film as I did during this one since I saw Ernest get dissed by the camp counselors in Ernest Goes to Camp. Up is a great story about fulfilling your dreams and living life to the fullest. Sure the bad guy is kind of 1 dimensional but with the rest of the cast being so strong, the visuals being remarkable and the story being so touching, who needs an in depth look at the villain.
3. The Hangover: Role Models circa 2009. The summer comedy I did not want to see that blew me away and made me laugh until I fell right outta my chair. A brilliant cast with a brilliant script and a simple story that the screenwriters and directors kept to. 3 guys, bachelor party, lost groom and hilarity. A simple formula with uproarious results.
2. G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra: Fun, fun, fun. Just what I want from my summer movies. Was this a smart movie in any way shape or form? Hell no! Is this movie gonna win any Oscars? Hell no! Did most people even like this movie? Hell no! But did it deliver my childhood back to me in spades? Hell yes! I was a G.I. Joe freak as a kid and I owned like 80% of the toys. This movie looked like a total flop but instead it was fun, exciting, action packed and full of beautiful women. Just what a growing boy needs!
1. District 9: Robocop for the new millennium. A silly sci-fi/action film with an important message buried underneath so fans can still enjoy a message movie. But, like Robocop, the action was still amazing and the characters still engaging. I loved, loved, loved this movie. And let’s face it folks, if aliens did come to earth, humankind would put them in concentration camps, exploit them for their advanced technology and give them no civil rights. Then they would rise up and kill us all. We know it’s gonna happen someday.
THE WORST:
5. Gamer: I saw this with Truthbringer and Drew and they actually really liked this film so I am definitely in the minority here. This was a high-concept film that I was hoping would be lowbrow, but instead it was a high-concept film for the MTV generation and it gave me a headache. Very little time spent in the “game world” and a bad guy I just wanted to punch in the face. This movie had very little redeeming qualities and some strange cinematography that made me yearn for Speed Racer….ok it wasn’t that bad.
4. The Ugly Truth: Gerard Butler had a bad summer. Aside from Gamer he was in this schlock of a romantic comedy. His character was awesome but with a dribble of a script I could not understand why his character fell in love with the bitch of a female lead. Ugh, the romantic comedy genre is terrible and this film is another can of gasoline to throw on that bonfire.
3. Angels & Demons: Hated the Davinci Code book and film. Love A&D as a book, but hated the film. Tom Hanks is still terrible as Langdon and this film had the worst police force in the history of bad police forces. Twice they catch the assassin and twice he disperses 20 cops by himself and yet he can’t kill a Professor from Harvard! This film sucks.
2. Public Enemies: Damn you Michael Mann! Damn you! I should’ve known this film would suck after sitting through Miami Vice, but the preview looked so cool I had to see this “film”. Instead I got 2 and a half hours of boring ass, incomprehensible dialogue from sleepwalking actors who look more bored than the audience. I would rather read the dictionary than sit through that piece of shit again.
1. Terminator – Salvation: Another back-to-back for a good actor who ruined his career this summer. Christian Bale (as with the aforementioned Gerard Butler) phoned it in for this terrible movie that ruined an already struggling series. Why don’t the machines just use gas on the humans? How do they know who John Connor’s father is? Why don’t they just KILL John Connor’s father instead of using him as bait? Why was this film made? Why did Christian Bale agree to do this? Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the only person smart enough to turn this film down? This film is God awful. Do not see it. Don’t even read the box when it comes out on DVD, it might become aware and kill you.
Ahh summer, how you entertain and devestate me so. You really showed me a good time my chummier season and yet thusly left me traveling the walk of shame down many a movie theater aisles. My head hung low in shame. I celebrate you now oh nickelodeon gods, because there are so few awards granted to the artists who bring movies together I will now list for you selections.
#5: X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
Say what you will about the lack of character authenticity, or even actual history or abilities. It's all askew and honestly I couldn't give less of a shit. This movie kicked my ass with it's awsomeness. Sure there were parts where Logan's claws looked like they were straight outta toon town, but who cares. It has Wolverine in it! And he's killing people. Like he outta been doing way back in 99'. Throw in Lieve Schreiber as Sabertooth, and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool and you have one orgasmic Truthbringer to deal with and clean up after.
#4: THE HANGOVER
Over 200,000,000. That's how much money this movie has made. Over 200,000,000. Proving once and for all that clever writing, a stellar cast, and intruig is far more compelling than flash and CGI. This movie gave us many catch phrases to throw around the entire summer, and provided me with the most surprising laughs I've had all year. Never saw this movie coming. It was like a Mike Tyson sucker punch. Which I doubt I'd be able to take as well as Allen.
#3: THE HURT LOCKER
This is the movie they should show to high school kids after those army recruiment people have packed up their pamphlets and left the auditorium. Between the soul draining heat, and the possibility of being held down by a sniper with .50 cal pointed at your spine, this gives them the REAL look into what might be waiting for them. Not a mountain with a sword in the crystal at the top. Brillianty directed and unflinching in the face of danger, I've never said "Holy shit that's a bad idea" so many times during a movie before. And then sat squirming as the characters went through with said bad idea anyway. Brilliant.
#2: INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
I really dug the hell outta this movie. And I was fucking worried there for a minute too. Because visions of that horrible, menstrating mess called DEATHPROOF was still fresh in my mind when I picked up my tickets to this. It wasn't the action flick I was expecting ~ala~ KILL BILL. But more of a personal story given archs through several different people ~ala~ PULP FICTION. Brad Pitt is amazing, and Christoph Waltz is magnetic. See this movie if you haven't yet.
#1: DISTRICT 9
I didn't even know this movie was coming out this summer until about late June. I knew it was going to be something of a spectacle to see, but holy shit was I wrong about great it was going to be. It had me bolted to me seat with what was going on. Awed at the scope of the story, fearful for what would happen to our protaganist and the aliens he's suddenly found himself thrust into the company of. Angry at the greed of the world around him, from the crippled South African Crime lord, to the shadiness of the corporate entity he had worked for. This is what we as a world would do if this were to ever happen. And that is why we should fear the wrath of other planets destroying our home world before worrying about some arbitrary number the Aztecs may or may not have written down. *TANGENT* Why are we worrying about the Aztec calander? Weren't these the people who chopped out hearts in the name of the sun? *END TANGENT* District 9 is fucking amazing. The drama, the story and the action is absolutely incredible and I cannot wait to own this and watch it until my eyes bleed.
#5: DANCE FLICK
For the first time in their career the Wayans Bros. have managed to move themselves to a respectable location in the 5 Worst category. This new position should be one of great renown and delight for them because they did not make the absolute worst movie of the summer. In fact, I dare say that there were one or two instances where a chuckle and a grimace were coaxed outta me. I believe a slow clap is in order.
#4: TAKING WOODSTOCK
Ang Lee loves him some gay story telling. Demetri Martin as a gay kid who inadvertently unleashes the hell called Woodstock on his unassuming town turned out to be far worse than I was expecting. I was expecting a light-hearted and charming romp through this one anonymous kid's life as he sky rockets to infamy for transforming his home town into the hippie mecca of the universe. Throw in his boarish and unsympatheically pathetic family and you have a movie that doesn't understand what it's supposed to be about. Is it about Woodstock? This kid's relationship with his family? Or him struggling with closet homosexuality? I'm confused and now I don't give a shit. Lieve Schreiber returns as the only saving grace, a transvestite undercover security detail. But he's only in it for five minutes tops. The rest of the time, I hated it.
#3: FUNNY PEOPLE
Watching this movie is the equivalent of being told that you're going to die from the same afflection as Adam Sandler's character. And you will die a little inside just as this movie ends. How and why this was made is a mystery. The script is not funny, the characters are just terrible fucking people, and more than that a movie called FUNNY PEOPLE was not even a little funny. Go fuck yourself movie.
#2: TERMINATOR: SALVATION
WTF Christian Bale? You were box office god last summer when you rocked our balls as Batman again. And then you turn around and thank us for our money with this pile of shit? I'm beginning to think the edgey artist we all fell in love with is now the biggest sell out of our generation. I'd like to say you phoned it in during the shooting of this movie, but that'd be giving your performance too much credit. You texted this mutherfucker in. I'm sure Edward Furlong is sitting in his beaten up Dodge Arrow in an abandoned hospital parking lot somewhere, saying "Thanks for doing me a solid Bale."
#1: PUBLIC ENEMIES
Oh my god, this movie was terrible. How can I best describe to you how awful it was? I would have to make a movie with a decent Hollywood sized budget and seven out of the nine best writers in the world to create a two hour opus explaining the terribleness of this movie. It's so bad that it transcends words and could only be described through movie picture. Christian Bale, clearly not hearing what I said previously about T4 and Johnny Depp are as lifeless as rubber fuck dolls. Channing Tatum who starred as Duke in G.I. JOE this year was supposed to be in the movie longer, but took the easy way out by having Bale's character shoot him in the spine. Michael Mann continues to confound us all by getting directing work despite a number of people having watched MIAMI VICE. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You will not get me again Mann. I garuntee it.
THE BOZ'S LIST
Ah, the summer is over and another summer movie season draws to a close. It was an OK summer. Only one movie really blew me away and no movie pissed me off as much as The Crappening did last summer. Overall I’d give it a B-.
THE BEST:
5. Star Trek: A great summer action film. I had no hope for this movie. A new actor as the star, a re-make of a TV show I never really liked and Leonard Nimoy still in the mix…I thought this film was doomed. Boy was I wrong. The plot was not the strongest ever (as with all ST films) but the action and fun characters more than made up for yet another time travel Star Trek film.
4. Up: Pixar strikes again but this time with a more adult story. I have not cried as much in a film as I did during this one since I saw Ernest get dissed by the camp counselors in Ernest Goes to Camp. Up is a great story about fulfilling your dreams and living life to the fullest. Sure the bad guy is kind of 1 dimensional but with the rest of the cast being so strong, the visuals being remarkable and the story being so touching, who needs an in depth look at the villain.
3. The Hangover: Role Models circa 2009. The summer comedy I did not want to see that blew me away and made me laugh until I fell right outta my chair. A brilliant cast with a brilliant script and a simple story that the screenwriters and directors kept to. 3 guys, bachelor party, lost groom and hilarity. A simple formula with uproarious results.
2. G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra: Fun, fun, fun. Just what I want from my summer movies. Was this a smart movie in any way shape or form? Hell no! Is this movie gonna win any Oscars? Hell no! Did most people even like this movie? Hell no! But did it deliver my childhood back to me in spades? Hell yes! I was a G.I. Joe freak as a kid and I owned like 80% of the toys. This movie looked like a total flop but instead it was fun, exciting, action packed and full of beautiful women. Just what a growing boy needs!
1. District 9: Robocop for the new millennium. A silly sci-fi/action film with an important message buried underneath so fans can still enjoy a message movie. But, like Robocop, the action was still amazing and the characters still engaging. I loved, loved, loved this movie. And let’s face it folks, if aliens did come to earth, humankind would put them in concentration camps, exploit them for their advanced technology and give them no civil rights. Then they would rise up and kill us all. We know it’s gonna happen someday.
THE WORST:
5. Gamer: I saw this with Truthbringer and Drew and they actually really liked this film so I am definitely in the minority here. This was a high-concept film that I was hoping would be lowbrow, but instead it was a high-concept film for the MTV generation and it gave me a headache. Very little time spent in the “game world” and a bad guy I just wanted to punch in the face. This movie had very little redeeming qualities and some strange cinematography that made me yearn for Speed Racer….ok it wasn’t that bad.
4. The Ugly Truth: Gerard Butler had a bad summer. Aside from Gamer he was in this schlock of a romantic comedy. His character was awesome but with a dribble of a script I could not understand why his character fell in love with the bitch of a female lead. Ugh, the romantic comedy genre is terrible and this film is another can of gasoline to throw on that bonfire.
3. Angels & Demons: Hated the Davinci Code book and film. Love A&D as a book, but hated the film. Tom Hanks is still terrible as Langdon and this film had the worst police force in the history of bad police forces. Twice they catch the assassin and twice he disperses 20 cops by himself and yet he can’t kill a Professor from Harvard! This film sucks.
2. Public Enemies: Damn you Michael Mann! Damn you! I should’ve known this film would suck after sitting through Miami Vice, but the preview looked so cool I had to see this “film”. Instead I got 2 and a half hours of boring ass, incomprehensible dialogue from sleepwalking actors who look more bored than the audience. I would rather read the dictionary than sit through that piece of shit again.
1. Terminator – Salvation: Another back-to-back for a good actor who ruined his career this summer. Christian Bale (as with the aforementioned Gerard Butler) phoned it in for this terrible movie that ruined an already struggling series. Why don’t the machines just use gas on the humans? How do they know who John Connor’s father is? Why don’t they just KILL John Connor’s father instead of using him as bait? Why was this film made? Why did Christian Bale agree to do this? Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the only person smart enough to turn this film down? This film is God awful. Do not see it. Don’t even read the box when it comes out on DVD, it might become aware and kill you.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
What Would I Do?
Have you seen these new commercials for Klondike Bar that are playing before every movie now? The one with Michael Ian Black and the hairy guy getting his chest and balls waxed? It's terrible. It makes NOT want a Klondike Bar. It makes me want to go out and buy Fudgesicles and laugh in the Klondike Bar's face while enjoy a seperate chocolatey treat that doesn't treat me like a turn of the century simpleton.
I've never understood the premis of the Klondike Bar commercials. Even as a kid they made no sense. Now they're just aggrevating. The jingle, "what would you do for a Klondike Bar?" followed by some benality is infuriating and frustrating.
"Hey! What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"I'd run around the subway in a chimp suit and harrass big angry inner city teenagers!"
"What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"I'd plot out a series of increasingly dangerous crimes that ends with my suicide that concludes with a swan dive from the top of my downtown office building!"
"What would you do for a Klodike Bar?"
"I'd sit through Funny People again!"
You know what I would do for a Klodike Bar? Go to the store and buy a box. Like a normal human being would.
I've never understood the premis of the Klondike Bar commercials. Even as a kid they made no sense. Now they're just aggrevating. The jingle, "what would you do for a Klondike Bar?" followed by some benality is infuriating and frustrating.
"Hey! What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"I'd run around the subway in a chimp suit and harrass big angry inner city teenagers!"
"What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
"I'd plot out a series of increasingly dangerous crimes that ends with my suicide that concludes with a swan dive from the top of my downtown office building!"
"What would you do for a Klodike Bar?"
"I'd sit through Funny People again!"
You know what I would do for a Klodike Bar? Go to the store and buy a box. Like a normal human being would.
Friday, August 07, 2009
GOOD LORD, HOW I HATE FAMILY CIRCUS
When was the last time you read FAMILY CIRCUS in the comic strips? I mean REALLY read it. Can you even remember the last time you laughed at any of them? It really is, quite possibly, the worst comic in the history of the funnies. That's saying a lot because there are so many horrible strips that still remain in the papers for some unknown and satanic reason. HAGGAR THE HORRIBLE? What the fuck? MARMADUKE!? Who is reading this shit? People like Bill Watterson and Gary Larson who brought us the great CALVIN AND HOBBES, and THE FAR SIDE retired while in their prime! Because they knew they weren't going to be able to keep up. That they had run out of jokes and had said what they needed to say and moved on. But for some reason we've got ZIGGY and HEATHCLIFF still staining our newspaper like a genital wart on a cock!
Bill Keane however, stands above them all. His strip is so bad, that the only reason I keep reading it is to work myself up into a tirade and shout to the rooftops on a daily basis, "WHY IS THIS STILL IN MY NEWSPAPER!?" It's a bit of sadomasochism I suppose. There is nothing preventing me from putting the paper down before I hit that circled window into hell. The only analogy for why I do it can be closely surmised by saying, it literally is like looking at a train wreck. You want to see the gore and the carnage caused by tons of twisted steel and people.
First off, all four kids in FAMILY CIRCUS are retarded. That's just a fact. They all have some sort of mental retardation that prevents them from completing functional thought.
Case in point;
While being served pizza by his mom, oldest son Billy exclaims, "Wow mom! This pizza is cool!"
To which his younger brother Jeffy says while pointing towards the kitchen, "No Billy, it's hot. I just saw mommy take it out of the microwave."
Is this the part where I'm supposed to laugh?
While Billy is all of seven years old and technically not quite ripe yet as far as maturity goes I'd like to thing that there are seven year olds out there who are cool enough to not ever tell anyone, especially their mom, how cool they think pizza and the consumption of pizza is. That they might instead reserve judgement and say things like, "Wow, those toys are cool." Or, "These shoes are cool." Or, "This bike is cool."
You know who would think pizza is cool? The Amish. I'm willing to bet that any one of them, the first time they saw or tasted pizza they would shout, "This pizza is the coolest thing since butter churning! And butter churning is pretty fucking cool!"
Billy and Jeffy are no little Harvard hopefuls that's for certain. And their baby brother PJ is well aboard the train to Stupidsville. But then there's their sister. Dolly. Dolly may be slightly handicapped but more so than that, she's a cunt. Plain and simple. She's a cunt to the umpteenth degree. Recently, whilst on a family camping trip we see the dad hoisting a sack of food up into the air and Dolly turns to PJ, who as a baby has no idea what she's saying or even who she is, and says "We have to put the food in the tree to keep it away from bears, raccoons, and Jeffy." Jeffy is within ear-shot of this and it is my belief that Dolly, as a cunt, said this loud enough for Jeffy to hear. That's her motivation for that comment. What else could it be? PJ hasn't a clue what she's saying, so why is talking to him like an equal? If she weren't mentally disabled, and capable of growing up to be a young lady who won't lick her palms during class for entertainment she would be one of those bitches in high school who belong to the bitch-clique. Her destiny does not lie with being popular or admired so she must take her natural instincts to be a vindictive bitch and tear her family apart piece by piece. Like a cunt.
I'm pretty sure Bill Keane is aware of the inane phrases those kids sprout out. He'd like to think they are funny but deep down he knows that they have no hope. Which is why the parents, Mommy and Daddy, constantly have a look of disappointment and exhaustion on their faces whenever one of their results of late night sex without proper protection and/or inaccurate pulling out technique, opens their mouth to spout out what must be white noise at this point. They are tired and ready to enact their murder suicide plot they've planned on if one more retarded comment falls out of their children's mouth. Things have gotten so bad, that I'm certain Daddy has castrated himself so as to prevent any future copolation. Seeing as how the four previous times they did so resulted in disaster.
What worries me most however is not how insepid the writing is or how flat on their face the jokes fail or even why this man is still being paid money to turn out this worthless product. What worries me, is the man in his RV. Waking up at the crack of down and getting his morning paper. Turning right to the funny pages (because let's face it he's not reading to see how the Dow Jones is doing) and racing his eyes right to FAMILY CIRCUS. Reading the mischeif those kids are getting themselves into, and then guffawing and hee-hawing like a mad man. Saying things, "Gosh dang them kids are funny. This Bill Keane is one funny sumbitch I tell you what man. I's aught'a send hims a case of PBR for bringing so much enjoyment inta ma' life. This one's going in the scrap book with the others!"
That man, scares the hell outta me.
Bill Keane however, stands above them all. His strip is so bad, that the only reason I keep reading it is to work myself up into a tirade and shout to the rooftops on a daily basis, "WHY IS THIS STILL IN MY NEWSPAPER!?" It's a bit of sadomasochism I suppose. There is nothing preventing me from putting the paper down before I hit that circled window into hell. The only analogy for why I do it can be closely surmised by saying, it literally is like looking at a train wreck. You want to see the gore and the carnage caused by tons of twisted steel and people.
First off, all four kids in FAMILY CIRCUS are retarded. That's just a fact. They all have some sort of mental retardation that prevents them from completing functional thought.
Case in point;
While being served pizza by his mom, oldest son Billy exclaims, "Wow mom! This pizza is cool!"
To which his younger brother Jeffy says while pointing towards the kitchen, "No Billy, it's hot. I just saw mommy take it out of the microwave."
Is this the part where I'm supposed to laugh?
While Billy is all of seven years old and technically not quite ripe yet as far as maturity goes I'd like to thing that there are seven year olds out there who are cool enough to not ever tell anyone, especially their mom, how cool they think pizza and the consumption of pizza is. That they might instead reserve judgement and say things like, "Wow, those toys are cool." Or, "These shoes are cool." Or, "This bike is cool."
You know who would think pizza is cool? The Amish. I'm willing to bet that any one of them, the first time they saw or tasted pizza they would shout, "This pizza is the coolest thing since butter churning! And butter churning is pretty fucking cool!"
Billy and Jeffy are no little Harvard hopefuls that's for certain. And their baby brother PJ is well aboard the train to Stupidsville. But then there's their sister. Dolly. Dolly may be slightly handicapped but more so than that, she's a cunt. Plain and simple. She's a cunt to the umpteenth degree. Recently, whilst on a family camping trip we see the dad hoisting a sack of food up into the air and Dolly turns to PJ, who as a baby has no idea what she's saying or even who she is, and says "We have to put the food in the tree to keep it away from bears, raccoons, and Jeffy." Jeffy is within ear-shot of this and it is my belief that Dolly, as a cunt, said this loud enough for Jeffy to hear. That's her motivation for that comment. What else could it be? PJ hasn't a clue what she's saying, so why is talking to him like an equal? If she weren't mentally disabled, and capable of growing up to be a young lady who won't lick her palms during class for entertainment she would be one of those bitches in high school who belong to the bitch-clique. Her destiny does not lie with being popular or admired so she must take her natural instincts to be a vindictive bitch and tear her family apart piece by piece. Like a cunt.
I'm pretty sure Bill Keane is aware of the inane phrases those kids sprout out. He'd like to think they are funny but deep down he knows that they have no hope. Which is why the parents, Mommy and Daddy, constantly have a look of disappointment and exhaustion on their faces whenever one of their results of late night sex without proper protection and/or inaccurate pulling out technique, opens their mouth to spout out what must be white noise at this point. They are tired and ready to enact their murder suicide plot they've planned on if one more retarded comment falls out of their children's mouth. Things have gotten so bad, that I'm certain Daddy has castrated himself so as to prevent any future copolation. Seeing as how the four previous times they did so resulted in disaster.
What worries me most however is not how insepid the writing is or how flat on their face the jokes fail or even why this man is still being paid money to turn out this worthless product. What worries me, is the man in his RV. Waking up at the crack of down and getting his morning paper. Turning right to the funny pages (because let's face it he's not reading to see how the Dow Jones is doing) and racing his eyes right to FAMILY CIRCUS. Reading the mischeif those kids are getting themselves into, and then guffawing and hee-hawing like a mad man. Saying things, "Gosh dang them kids are funny. This Bill Keane is one funny sumbitch I tell you what man. I's aught'a send hims a case of PBR for bringing so much enjoyment inta ma' life. This one's going in the scrap book with the others!"
That man, scares the hell outta me.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Money Dillemas in the Movies
Times are tough these days. It's getting to the point where most people can't even remember what it meant to have disposable income. Where money flowed like the sustenance of a land of milk and honey. Yup, care-freely we threw our money away on lavish items and trips and pleasures. So much so that it became the norm. Anyone who didn't do so was branded with the scarlet "$" upon their chest. Saving was considered a "blah" statement because the secret word for the day was "spend". AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Thinking as I do about movies I've seen while I spend my time at my job, two movies in particular seemed to be echoing back and forth in my skull. Like a record player stuck on a track. Michael Bay's opus, TRANSFORMERS and Chris Columbus' tour-De-force HOME ALONE 2. Admittedly these two films have nothing in common on the surface, but if we dig a bit deeper we will see the greed that momentary financial security brings.
First, we talk about TRANSFORMERS. With it's looming sequel about to destroy our collective consciousness with the blunt force of its awesomeness it's vital that we look back on how Sam Witwicky first acquired the Autobot, Bumblebee. Remember how his father gave him only a certain amount of cash to purchase a junker from Bernie Mac? And how Sam was complaining that it still wasn't enough money to afford a car that could whoo the likes of Megan Fox? The running gag was that his father was one cheap sunnuva bitch. Then we get a look at the palace that Sam's dad has provided for him, his mother, and their dog. It was Buckingham of suburbia. And not only that, decently decorated and furnished. Well maintained lawn that he groomed and cared for himself. Even the fucking dog had a two story dog house it could call home. Remember how expansive Sam's bedroom was? It was literally two rooms opened up. One side of the room was for sleeping and jerking off thinking of Megan Fox, like all of our are, and the other half was for slap-stick, giant robot inducing, comedy. It was the biggest room any kid I've ever seen ever have. What the fuck does the master bedroom look like?! I bet the master bedroom comes with serfs. Play with the time-line for a minute. Remember when Sam's got the as of yet undiscovered transformer in the back, and he gets in the car and turns on the motor. Remember the plume of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe. Can anyone tell me the line Mrs. Witwicky says to her husband as their son drives off in his junker?
"Good Lord, you're so cheap."
Why Mr. Witwicky didn't leap up from caring for his tender lawn and choke the life out of her, I'll never understand. My reply had I been Mr. Witwicky would have been,
"Cheap? Cheap? Cheap put this fucking castle over your head you ungreatful bitch. Cheap puts that glass of red wine in your hands every night while we watch cable television on a 50" plasma you whore. Cheap gives that fucking chiuahuah a fucking two story dog house. God forbid I teach my son a life lesson about the importance of starting small and working your way big. That you don't always get the $100,000 foreign car. That in this hectic world real men work for what they get and the fact that he met the bare minimum required to succeed doesn't warrant him a porche. I didn't hear you complaining about my being cheap when I had you bent over the side of our twelve jet jacuzzi tub last weekend. Speaking of which, put down that tall cold glass of refreshing iced tea, get off my prize winning, expertly maintained lawn, and get upstairs to our California king sized bed with 500 thread count sheets. I'm gonna tag ya' without a condom like the time we had that drunk 3 a.m. sex when we broke into the abandoned carnival. BECAUSE I'M CHEAP!"
People like her are the exact reason our country is in the shape it is today.
Then we move on to HOME ALONE 2. Not an overall well put together film. In fact it's quite awful. It borders on unwatchable. But one line in particular has been sticking in my head recently and I think I've figured out why such an inane, insipid response would be put into a movie that tried it's darnedest to be as clever as the first one.
Recall during the movie that little Kevin McAllister is all alone in New York City while his family is in Florida. His family that is easily 10-15 people strong. 13-14 of them are children. During the course of the movie Kevin saves the kindly old toy store owner's giant box of money he's going to donate to the orphanage on Christmas morning from Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. And that the kindly old man is so grateful for this act of courage that he gives Kevin's family enough toys and presents that they could in fact open their own toy store and live comfortably on the profits for the rest of their lives. We finally draw upon the end of the movie where Kevin looks out his penthouse window to the homeless bird lady he's befriended and gives her the impish smile that we as a nation united also fell in love with. When from the backgroud we hear his father shout at the top of his lungs,
"KEVIN! YOU SPENT $900.00 DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE!!!!!"
Kevin in fear of his father's rage and wrath flees for his life.
Let's do some math. Peter McAllister is going to take his brood of failure with him to Florida for a two week Christmas vacation.
14 days.
During that time they will consume on average at least four meals a day.
14 days x 4 meals = 56
Each meal will cost on average between $13.00 and $16.00. With tax, we'll round up to $20.00 a meal.
56 x 20.00 = $1120.00
Throw in midday snacking at all the predetermined attractions and we can add an additional $25.00 a day.
25 x 14 = 350
350 + 1120 = $1470.00
This is PER child.
$1470.00 x 1 gives us a grand total of . . . . .$1470.00 for a two week vacation.
Peter McCallister should have fell on his knees and thanked Kevin for saving him $570.00. This no nothing, brainless twat pitches a fit at his son for spending money to feed himself and live comfortably while in a dire situation when the rest of his mouth breathing family stand there with their hands out asking for almost $1500.00 just to feed them. Fucking unbelievable. This is clearly written into the script so that the audience can sit there and enjoy an "UH-OH!" moment, while I sit there and brood over the inaccuracies over the math.
This is what I think about when I should be working.
Thinking as I do about movies I've seen while I spend my time at my job, two movies in particular seemed to be echoing back and forth in my skull. Like a record player stuck on a track. Michael Bay's opus, TRANSFORMERS and Chris Columbus' tour-De-force HOME ALONE 2. Admittedly these two films have nothing in common on the surface, but if we dig a bit deeper we will see the greed that momentary financial security brings.
First, we talk about TRANSFORMERS. With it's looming sequel about to destroy our collective consciousness with the blunt force of its awesomeness it's vital that we look back on how Sam Witwicky first acquired the Autobot, Bumblebee. Remember how his father gave him only a certain amount of cash to purchase a junker from Bernie Mac? And how Sam was complaining that it still wasn't enough money to afford a car that could whoo the likes of Megan Fox? The running gag was that his father was one cheap sunnuva bitch. Then we get a look at the palace that Sam's dad has provided for him, his mother, and their dog. It was Buckingham of suburbia. And not only that, decently decorated and furnished. Well maintained lawn that he groomed and cared for himself. Even the fucking dog had a two story dog house it could call home. Remember how expansive Sam's bedroom was? It was literally two rooms opened up. One side of the room was for sleeping and jerking off thinking of Megan Fox, like all of our are, and the other half was for slap-stick, giant robot inducing, comedy. It was the biggest room any kid I've ever seen ever have. What the fuck does the master bedroom look like?! I bet the master bedroom comes with serfs. Play with the time-line for a minute. Remember when Sam's got the as of yet undiscovered transformer in the back, and he gets in the car and turns on the motor. Remember the plume of smoke that comes out of the tailpipe. Can anyone tell me the line Mrs. Witwicky says to her husband as their son drives off in his junker?
"Good Lord, you're so cheap."
Why Mr. Witwicky didn't leap up from caring for his tender lawn and choke the life out of her, I'll never understand. My reply had I been Mr. Witwicky would have been,
"Cheap? Cheap? Cheap put this fucking castle over your head you ungreatful bitch. Cheap puts that glass of red wine in your hands every night while we watch cable television on a 50" plasma you whore. Cheap gives that fucking chiuahuah a fucking two story dog house. God forbid I teach my son a life lesson about the importance of starting small and working your way big. That you don't always get the $100,000 foreign car. That in this hectic world real men work for what they get and the fact that he met the bare minimum required to succeed doesn't warrant him a porche. I didn't hear you complaining about my being cheap when I had you bent over the side of our twelve jet jacuzzi tub last weekend. Speaking of which, put down that tall cold glass of refreshing iced tea, get off my prize winning, expertly maintained lawn, and get upstairs to our California king sized bed with 500 thread count sheets. I'm gonna tag ya' without a condom like the time we had that drunk 3 a.m. sex when we broke into the abandoned carnival. BECAUSE I'M CHEAP!"
People like her are the exact reason our country is in the shape it is today.
Then we move on to HOME ALONE 2. Not an overall well put together film. In fact it's quite awful. It borders on unwatchable. But one line in particular has been sticking in my head recently and I think I've figured out why such an inane, insipid response would be put into a movie that tried it's darnedest to be as clever as the first one.
Recall during the movie that little Kevin McAllister is all alone in New York City while his family is in Florida. His family that is easily 10-15 people strong. 13-14 of them are children. During the course of the movie Kevin saves the kindly old toy store owner's giant box of money he's going to donate to the orphanage on Christmas morning from Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. And that the kindly old man is so grateful for this act of courage that he gives Kevin's family enough toys and presents that they could in fact open their own toy store and live comfortably on the profits for the rest of their lives. We finally draw upon the end of the movie where Kevin looks out his penthouse window to the homeless bird lady he's befriended and gives her the impish smile that we as a nation united also fell in love with. When from the backgroud we hear his father shout at the top of his lungs,
"KEVIN! YOU SPENT $900.00 DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE!!!!!"
Kevin in fear of his father's rage and wrath flees for his life.
Let's do some math. Peter McAllister is going to take his brood of failure with him to Florida for a two week Christmas vacation.
14 days.
During that time they will consume on average at least four meals a day.
14 days x 4 meals = 56
Each meal will cost on average between $13.00 and $16.00. With tax, we'll round up to $20.00 a meal.
56 x 20.00 = $1120.00
Throw in midday snacking at all the predetermined attractions and we can add an additional $25.00 a day.
25 x 14 = 350
350 + 1120 = $1470.00
This is PER child.
$1470.00 x 1 gives us a grand total of . . . . .$1470.00 for a two week vacation.
Peter McCallister should have fell on his knees and thanked Kevin for saving him $570.00. This no nothing, brainless twat pitches a fit at his son for spending money to feed himself and live comfortably while in a dire situation when the rest of his mouth breathing family stand there with their hands out asking for almost $1500.00 just to feed them. Fucking unbelievable. This is clearly written into the script so that the audience can sit there and enjoy an "UH-OH!" moment, while I sit there and brood over the inaccuracies over the math.
This is what I think about when I should be working.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
ENVIOUS OF THE CARE-FREE LIFE OF THE STUPID.
I'm in community college. I'm trying to get a handle on life and take advantage of the opportunities out there, and I knew that I was going to be met with a lot of challenges. I just didn't know those challenges were going to be in the form of some of the dumbest fucking people I've ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on.
You know how in movies they always show Jr. Colleges as these run down, dilapidated buildings where ther desks are held together with Elmer's Glue from 1927 and there's always a substance dripping in a corner onto a radio that's still plugged in and the bare wires exposed and sparking. That's not my school. My school actually looks like a university designed by God Himself. But the students in the school, they belong in that stinky, smelly, moist school brought to life from the darkest recesses of human misery. Not all the students, just those special ones that make up the FUCKING MAJORITY!
I'm stuck in Math 125, which is actually cooler sounding than it really is. Cuz if you call it by it's Christian name, I'm in Elementary Algebra. I'm no good at math, I fully belong in this class but I wish they would just change the name to Math For Dumb-Dumbs and be done with it. This probably why there are numbers at the end of every class. It's code so that all the teachers can talk to one another and laugh about the jugheads in each class based on what number they're being forced to teach.
My professor, a gentle little man who I'll call Mister Miyagi for the simple reason that he reminds me of. . . .Mister Myagi but absent the fighting technique or self confidence skills. Let's just say his Engrish isn't all that great, which makes listening to him that much more difficult. But his stubborn refusal to curb the shinanigins of my fellow classmates leads me feeling at times like I'm about to start a riot. I thought my Pre-Algebra class was bad! I once likened my Pre-Algebra class to Anotonia Banderas' TAKE THE LEAD in which I suspected my class of misfits and mouth-breathers could be reached by a dance teacher. And then we would bond together as a team, take to street dancing competions, and then finally win big at the National Dance-Off. All while learning basic math skills. Pre-Algebra is home to where I heard such monumental math break throughs such as, "Oh! You CARRY the 4."
Math 125 makes Pre-Algebra look like a sensual honeymoon in a hotel where you have a giant champagne glass as a hot tub, the beds are circular, and Sinbad is playing on the main stage. The cast of characters in Math 125 include(d):
THE FAT "METAL" GIRL: Whose every article of clothing she owns/wears is from HOT TOPIC. Including her far too tight belly shirt, her jeans that will burst from her like an airline stewardess being sucked out of an open hole on a pressurized airplane if she inhales too deeply, and her green and white striped gloves missing all the fingers. Thank God she brings her laptop to class so she can sit next to me and IM her bff's during lecture, because otherwise I might not think she was cool. She also does me the courtesy of eating the foulest smelling Cup of Noodles ever invented while making snide comments about the teacher, and telling everyone within ear shot how good at math she is and why she's shocked she failed all these tests.
THE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S A GANGSTA' BUT WOULD SHIT HIMSELF IF ONE ACTUALLY KICKED IN THE DOOR: He's chubby, wears his pants down his knees, and hit baseball hat about thirty degrees off center. He talks to the only cute in the chick during class because he actually thinks he can somehow convince her to blow him in the bathroom during break. She amuses him because she has nothing better to do, like take notes. I'm sure his self confidence is through the roof! You can tell because he talks loudly about his weekends during class and constantly says, "Isn't that right Mister Xu?"
SIR EATS-ALOT-AND-THEN-BELCHES-ALOT: This fucker sits right behind me. Chewing on everything from sandwhiches and chips and then burpin in my ear for the first hour twenty. Thankfully he's never around for the last hour twenty because he leaves at break to head home. He is blissfully content to eat and run and not care about the tests because he just sits in the back commenting on how everyone is a loser but him. Ahh, to be so naive.
SQUAKER: This is the chick who will sit and talk to anyone who will listen, because she has to prove to herself that she's hot and worthy of male attention even though she isn't and she's fishing for men in the most polluted lake possible. The easiest way to identify her is to just listen to what the teacher says, and then she'll repeat it out-loud like it was her idea. The conversation in her head must be, "God, everyone must think I'm so smart. I hope they never find out that I'm not. Why do I itch so bad there?"
ONE IN A MILLION: And we come to my favorit part of the peanut gallery. A gentleman so irritating that if there were enough students in there that wanted to actually learn, we would rise up as one and slay him. The guy who will shout out answers whenever possible. But even funnier is that every answer he's ever shouted out has been wrong. Realizing that he knows literally next to nothing, he will then begin shout out other numbers in an attempt to get the right answer. I suppose his theory is if you shout out enough random numbers, sooner or later you're gonna find the right one. Just the other night after his rainbow of auditory guesses plauged the room, the teacher revealed the answer was 3. If he had just started counting instead of guessing, he actually would have been correct by his third guess.
Monday, May 04, 2009
TEN SUMMER MOVIES THAT WILL ROCK MY WORLD.
1. STAR TREK:
Who the fuck is James T. Kirk? Did Harold smuggle any white castle's aboard? Why does Sylar have pointy ears? What's that smell? These are just a few of the questions floating around my head every time I see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie about to be unleashed. Due in part to the fact that I know as much about Star Trek lore as I do ancient Mesopotamian agriculture. To me Spock is the guy who taught the world the finger thing, Klingons are why I use dryer sheets, and the borg was created by Cyberdyne. But I'll rock the Trek willingly this time around. Who better to bring me into the vast universe that it must be than J.J. Abrams? The man who brought me Cloverfield and Lost (which I loved until late, fuck you very much Carlton and Damon). But mostly I want to see if it is Kirk nailing Uhura. I guess this notion has caused an uproar of sorts and I want to be there for the start of the nerd revolution.
Who the fuck is James T. Kirk? Did Harold smuggle any white castle's aboard? Why does Sylar have pointy ears? What's that smell? These are just a few of the questions floating around my head every time I see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie about to be unleashed. Due in part to the fact that I know as much about Star Trek lore as I do ancient Mesopotamian agriculture. To me Spock is the guy who taught the world the finger thing, Klingons are why I use dryer sheets, and the borg was created by Cyberdyne. But I'll rock the Trek willingly this time around. Who better to bring me into the vast universe that it must be than J.J. Abrams? The man who brought me Cloverfield and Lost (which I loved until late, fuck you very much Carlton and Damon). But mostly I want to see if it is Kirk nailing Uhura. I guess this notion has caused an uproar of sorts and I want to be there for the start of the nerd revolution.
2. IMAGINE THAT:
I am all about the annual bad Eddie Murphy movie. Meet Dave was brilliant in its awfulness. A real Utopia of crap. You know how I know this is going to be yet another feather in Eddie's cap? Because he has that same "Child From The Ukraine Lost In The Mall of America Being Questioned by Security on Where His Parents Are" look he has in almost every poster he's been featured in since Coming to America. This movie tells us that our children's imaginations can make business transactions in the world of investing a reality. Much like how Bedtime Stories did the same thing except in the world of hotel management. I'm noticing a disturbing trend between ex-SNL cast members. I certainly hope the next, "child's imagination creates wacky results for dad at work movie" will at least have the decency to star Chris Katan. Not that I particularly want to see him in any movie, but he's been out of work for a while. Throw the guy a bone huh?
3. TERMINATOR SALVATION:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there. Great Arnie's ghost! You mean little ragamuffin Edward Furlong grows up to be leader of men Christian Bale? Who cares how bleak the future is, or if man-kind is enslaved by the machines. You get to grow up and look like Christian "Dark Knight" Bale! If after years of running from all sorts of murderous cybernetic organisms, and trying to change an uncertain future I woke up one day and saw Christian Bale looking back at me from the other side of the mirror I'd say, "Who replaced my mirror with a window, and why is Christian Bale looking at me so intensely?" Despite all the scandal that blew completely out of proportion I am counting the days until I get to see what sort of shenanigans Skynet cyborgs get into this summer. Since when does controversy keep people out of theaters? It's a well known fact that DPs are cocks. That's my take on it from now on, I'm not about to argue with Bale. He'd karate chop me to the throat.
4. DRAG ME TO HELL:
Saw it, loved it. Can't wait to see what it looks like with new music, finished effects, and pumped up surround sound. The title may indicate where the lead characters are heading but since first viewing this movie has taken me to heaven.
5. UP:
Another serving from the buffet that is Pixar. They really cannot do wrong. They could make a movie about a kindly old lady who ties kittens into burlap bags and drowns them for profit and it would still make enough money to buy most of Uruguay. Ed Asner returns to the role that made him his first million dollars as a curmudgeon old man who wants nothing more than to choke the youth of America and be left alone. In his eccentricity he ties thousands upon thousand of balloons to his house in order to float away and live out a life of happiness and adventure. But I find it hard to believe that after having bought his 387th balloon that he didn't at least crack a smile or two. Who has ever had a frowny face while purchasing his 387th balloon? And then to buy hundreds of thousands of them and not feel the least bit whimsy? That guy has problems. He needs to leave.
6. LAND OF THE LOST:
Will Ferrell has been blessed by God. How else could a man that talentless, and that unfunny ever have a career in comedy let alone be a major movie star? His aura shines with the light of a world not seen by man, he doesn't walk with us he walks among us. And since his otherworldly divinity has made another movie to be given to us this summer, I must follow and parade myself down the hall of my favorit multi-plex and forgo the other unworthy movies so that I may bask in the one joke wonder that is Mr. Ferrell. God bless you sir. God bless.
7: TRANSFORMER RISE OF THE FALLEN:
I don't really care what part of the mythology they get right or wrong anymore. I've given up on hoping that someone will make a 100% translation of something tha was held near and dear to my heart as a child. Letting go of that is freeing in a sense I've never felt before. This sequel is going to kick all forms of ass from here to Bangkok. Even if Mutt will make me want to pluck my eyes outta my head ~ala~ KILL BILL. Optimus be praised.
8. PUBLIC ENEMIES:
I want to bare Johnny Depp's child. I figure the closest approximation I can get to that is to just go see his movies. Christian Bale is in it too. He's not a bad looking guy either. I guess I'd let them double-team me if the oppurtunity ever arose. Throw in Victor Garber and you have my ultimate "I'm not gay, but I would let . . . . . fuck me" fantasy going on there.
9. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE:
At long last this horrible movie will be unleased from the chain tethering it to the back yard. Like a rabid dog it's poised to tear the throat out and lap up the spilling blood of TWILIGHT. Clearly trying to bank on the mindless teenage girl audience we will be all set to see the emotions all sixteen year olds confuse for love. And maybe we'll get some magic and quidditch in this if we're lucky. This isn't more of a movie I'm dying to see, but one that I will need to in order to bridge the gap to the next and final two flicks. C'mon! Build that bridge already!
10. INGLORIOUS BASTARDS:
Quentin Tarantino almost lost me as a fan with DEATHPROOF. That movie made JAWS 4 look like JAWS 2. I get that QT is the ultimate ladies man in terms of really listening to them, but making a whole movie about their conversations with a title called DEATHPROOF is pretty fucking misleading. This movie is set in World War II and stars Brad Pitt. Done. I'm there. Can I buy my tickets now? Hmmm. I wonder how Brad feels about Victor Garber. . . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
